So, here's some of what I've been working on:


An awesome new pair of socks for me.






And this cute little monster (Ravelry link) as a test knit for the kits the designer is putting together. (My first test-knitting experience, woo!)

I'm going to teach a lace class again this spring and I'm toying around with the idea of teaching a two-handed colorwork class. I'm going to do a trial run this Friday at knit night with the usual crowd and see what they think.

This means I should probably start a colorwork project so I actually have something to demonstrate on.

It's really 2012?

I'm back at work today after having a week off. It was an almost impossible feat to get out of my warm bed this morning. Especially with it being so dark, so cold, and knowing there were still traces of snow on the ground. Thankfully my car is actually in the garage this winter so I don't have to clean snow off of it. It's a small luxury that I already love.

Our Christmas was good. Lilly got *almost* everything she asked for. The Barbie Dreamhouse was the only thing she asked for that she didn't get. She would have got it had I been a little quicker to respond to a Craigslist ad, but oh well. I'm going to keep my eyes open at flea markets and garage sales this year and see if I can find one to put up for her birthday.

It ended on a up-note, but truthfully 2011 wasn't the greatest of years. I learned a lot about love and loss, pain and joy. A lot of things I went through this year are lessons I don't ever want to learn again, but likely will. At least I know now that I can get through them.

I've decided that 2012 is going to be about more of my actions and words coming from a place of love. I want more reality in my life, less disingenuous feelings and less appeasement of others. So in that line of thinking I want to reflect on what last year meant to me.

At the beginning of 2011 my marriage almost self-destructed. I'm not saying this to gain sympathy, I'm saying it because I'm kind of fed up with the idea that people can't openly talk about hard, scary shit. My husband and I were not getting along, at all. We were screaming at each other a lot. We had completely forgotten how to talk to each other and were in a pretty ugly cycle of who could hurt who first, or worst. We seriously talked about divorce. We decided early in the year that something had to change. We started counseling and things got better, slowly, but they improved.

Then in June Jim's step-dad passed away. Watching my husband loose the man that had been his father figure for 16 years, the same number of years he had his biological father, was devastating. Chuck had been sick for so long, but his death still felt so sudden.

Learning to deal with grief, in all its forms, was the hardest thing I had to deal with last year.

I want more joy in 2012 and less pain. Though pain is something mostly beyond my control, and is usually a direct result of caring about someone or something, I'm going to work hard to create joy where I can and hopefully buffer some of that inevitable pain.

I've been doing a fair amount of Christmas knitting these past couple of months, so there's not much I can show right now. (Just in case...you never know.)

I did manage to squeeze in time to make myself a new hat, which I love.


(Raveled here)

6 days ago was the 6 month anniversary of Chuck's death. We celebrated our first major holiday without him, Thanksgiving. My MIL and hubs lightheartedly joked about it being strange not having him commentating on the food and barking orders about how to prepare everything. But there was this unspoken sadness and uneasiness hanging over that day. I imagine Christmas is going to be the same way. It's been sad for me to not have the yearly quest of finding a suitable gift for Chuck, who was the most difficult person in the world to buy a gift for. Finding something that was the right balance of practical, useful, and cool, was admittedly something I looked forward to. I miss it.

The family has finalized plans to scatter some of his ashes this coming June in Edisto. It's weird because I'm looking forward to it but dreading it at the same time. It's going to be hard to say goodbye all over again but I think that it's also going to give Lillian the chance to say goodbye since she didn't really get to. I know that it will be better for her to say goodbye this way, when everyone has had a year to grieve already and when we are on vacation, making happy memories at the same time. But it's going to be weird to be in South Carolina without him *really* there. Maybe I'll finally be able to talk Jim into taking Lilly fishing.

Actual knitting content!

Christmas gift numero uno is done!








I finished Amiya's blanket last week. Now I have a total of 3 gifts completed. I have one more that I *need* to finish, a pair of socks and the first sock is done and the other is almost 1/2 completed, but other than that I don't really have any other gifts planned. I'm so relieved. I'm taking the lazy way out and buying everything this year.

Growing up

I've had two interviews in the last two weeks. Not really sure if I want either job. Not that either of them have been offered to me... I don't know if it's a fear of change that's causing me hesitation, or fear that it's still essentially the same dead-end track I'm on now and that 6 months from now I'll be as miserable there as I am here. Or maybe it's both those things. Do I really want to be stuck in administration for the rest of my life? It's not the office environment that bothers me, it's just that I'm tired of being at the bottom of the food chain and being the person that everyone higher up shits on.

But we could really use a boost to my income. Especially since the cost of our health insurance premium is doubling. If any of these jobs offer me 5k+ more than I'm making now I'm going to feel like a selfish ass if I don't take the job. It's a fucked up position to be in. Do I stay miserable here, or do I take a little more money and be miserable somewhere else? It's a no-win. My head and heart are at odds.

I'm 30. Shouldn't I have this whole what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up thing figured out by now?

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Lilly turned 7 a few weeks ago. I'm still coming to terms with it.

She's earning an allowance now by doing a few weekly chores; feeding the dog and letting her out in the mornings and evenings, sorting her laundry on the weekends, and keeping her room clean. Every other week or so she earns a little extra by dusting. She hasn't complained so far (well, she does about cleaning her room, but that's nothing new) and I told her as she gets older we'll add on other jobs that she can earn more money for. Is it wrong that I can't wait until she can load and unload the dishwasher? Let alone run the vacuum cleaner.

Her parent/teacher conference was at the beginning of this month. She's one of the top readers in her class again but she is having some problems with math. She's also having some problems with bossing around the other kids, which is also nothing new. So I've been monitoring her, reminding her to say please, and to *ask*, rather than *tell*, other kids what to do. But the teacher said she's very sweet and overall a pleasure to have in class. She said Lilly's not afraid to speak up when she doesn't understand something, and she was also the only kid who filled out her self evaluation honestly. All the other kids checked 'excellent' on each question while my very humble and honest child had a couple 'excellent' but most 'satisfactory' and one 'needs work' evaluation. (It was for math. I love her.)

She really isn't a baby anymore. She's turned into this wonderful little person with an awesome personality. She's smart, funny, and incredibly generous. I feel so lucky. None of those qualities are something you can really cultivate, they are either there or not. You can definitely encourage them, but they can't be forced. And she's got them all in that wonderful little soul of hers. I was so proud of the review the teacher gave her, not so much because it reflects on me (it does a little, I admit that) but because I feel so blessed to be her mother. She's going to grow up to do wonderful things and she's going to put a lot of good out in the world and I'm humbled and excited that I'm going to get to be a small part of what she creates. Some days I want to freeze her at 7, to preserve her in all her freckled, wide-eyed wonder. It's such an amazing age. But there are other days where I can't wait to see what she does next. I know she'll never cease to amaze me.

Parenting is HARD

I had to teach Lilly one of her first difficult life lessons this weekend. Found out she has sticky fingers and she stole a tube of Chapstick at the drug store last week near the register when we were checking out. I found it in the cup holder of her booster seat on Sunday and asked her where it came from. She started crying, saying "I'll be in trouble!" I asked her if someone gave it to her, she said no. Jim asked if she took it from someone, she said no. And then that little voice in my head said "Awww, fuck." So I asked her if she took it from a store and she told me yes.

So we went home, I made her get $2 of her allowance from her bank and we went back to the store so she could pay for it. I told her she was going to have to apologize to the cashier and explain that she stole it from the store and needed to pay for it. She was terrified. When we got into the store she lost it and started crying hysterically. So I told the cashier "We were in here the other day and she took something without paying for it, so she's here to pay for it now." I put the Chapstick on the counter and told Lilly to give the cashier the money for it. The cashier seemed stunned that I was making my child come in and pay for a $1.79 tube of stolen Chapstick. She took the money, gave Lilly the receipt and change and said thank you to me for coming back in. (Lilly had a vice grip on my hand the whole time.)

As we left Lilly was still crying and I asked her "Are you EVER going to steal again?" And she gave me a blubbery "No".

I could have spanked her. I could have grounded her from the computer, any number of things. I think however that embarrassing her and shaming her in public was the proper way to handle this situation. I told her that I wanted her to be embarrassed, and that I wanted to make sure she never, ever did something like this again. She had told me on the way to the store that she didn't want to use her allowance to buy it. I told her she wanted it bad enough to steal it, now she had to pay for it because it was the right thing to do, the only way to make up for what she did. I hope it was the right thing. It felt that way. I didn't scream at her and thought it was important that she realized that even though she did something bad, mommy went with her to make it right and held her hand, literally, while she made an attempt to right her wrong.

And I told her if I ever caught her stealing again I won't take her to stores with me anymore.

She has been super sneaky lately, and I keep catching her at it. First it was wearing jewelry to school, then it was buying extra suckers at school. Now this. I told her that if she does something wrong I will find out. I told her "You are a very smart girl Lilly, but I am smarter. If you do something you aren't supposed to do I WILL find out, because mommies find out about EVERYTHING." Hopefully she'll believe that now.

She asked me this morning if I was still angry with her. I told her I wasn't angry, but I was disappointed because I know that she knows better. And I told her the fact that she was so upset when I found the Chapstick was proof that she knew she was doing something wrong when she stole it. I told her I hope that we never have to have another talk about stealing ever again.

She turns 7 on Friday. I hope we both survive her childhood. She's going to give me gray hair.

Things are better here. I've been trying to stay busy, which helps. A few weeks back my sister in law and I worked on cleaning out my mother in law's garage so that she'll have room to pull her car in this winter. It still needs some work but we made really good progress. In the process of cleaning everything out I came across the hat I knit for Chuck. It stung. For now I've put it in my cedar chest. If the day comes when the sight of it doesn't make my chest ache then I'll unravel it and reknit it into a hat for myself, Jim, or Lilly. But the idea of unraveling it right now seems almost disrespectful. And too final.

Some of what I've been working on:


Beekeeper's Quilt



Hat and cowl



Trellis sweater



Crazy novelty scarves for Christmas (This stuff feels like fur, it's nuts. I kind of want to make a blanket out of it and wrap myself up like a burrito.)



Dishtowels



Burp cloths



Socks for the husbeast



Chevron Love Hat

The State Fair was a pretty major disappointment this year. My Trellis did take a first, and Lilly's Roo sweater placed 3rd. But the other 4 entries didn't place at all and this sweater dress:


Nova, was disqualified because the judge believed it was machine knit, not hand knit. And the judge noted it was "Perfectly made." I've contacted the fair to voice my frustration and disappointment. And despite being told my message was sent to the Director of Home and Family Arts I haven't heard back from anyone.

I am upset because I feel that I've essentially lost out on a ribbon, I mean something that's 'perfectly made' should get a ribbon, right? But what I'm really upset about is being accused of cheating. This was my 6th year entering the fair and it may be my last. I pay $30 to enter and if the person judging my knitting can't tell the difference between hand knitting and machine knitting then maybe my abilities are beyond what can be judged at the State Fair level.

It sucks though, because I look forward to it every year. I love telling people to look for my items in the display cases. But I'm not going to pay money to be upset like this again.