I've had two interviews in the last two weeks. Not really sure if I want either job. Not that either of them have been offered to me... I don't know if it's a fear of change that's causing me hesitation, or fear that it's still essentially the same dead-end track I'm on now and that 6 months from now I'll be as miserable there as I am here. Or maybe it's both those things. Do I really want to be stuck in administration for the rest of my life? It's not the office environment that bothers me, it's just that I'm tired of being at the bottom of the food chain and being the person that everyone higher up shits on.
But we could really use a boost to my income. Especially since the cost of our health insurance premium is doubling. If any of these jobs offer me 5k+ more than I'm making now I'm going to feel like a selfish ass if I don't take the job. It's a fucked up position to be in. Do I stay miserable here, or do I take a little more money and be miserable somewhere else? It's a no-win. My head and heart are at odds.
I'm 30. Shouldn't I have this whole what-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up thing figured out by now?
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Lilly turned 7 a few weeks ago. I'm still coming to terms with it.
She's earning an allowance now by doing a few weekly chores; feeding the dog and letting her out in the mornings and evenings, sorting her laundry on the weekends, and keeping her room clean. Every other week or so she earns a little extra by dusting. She hasn't complained so far (well, she does about cleaning her room, but that's nothing new) and I told her as she gets older we'll add on other jobs that she can earn more money for. Is it wrong that I can't wait until she can load and unload the dishwasher? Let alone run the vacuum cleaner.
Her parent/teacher conference was at the beginning of this month. She's one of the top readers in her class again but she is having some problems with math. She's also having some problems with bossing around the other kids, which is also nothing new. So I've been monitoring her, reminding her to say please, and to *ask*, rather than *tell*, other kids what to do. But the teacher said she's very sweet and overall a pleasure to have in class. She said Lilly's not afraid to speak up when she doesn't understand something, and she was also the only kid who filled out her self evaluation honestly. All the other kids checked 'excellent' on each question while my very humble and honest child had a couple 'excellent' but most 'satisfactory' and one 'needs work' evaluation. (It was for math. I love her.)
She really isn't a baby anymore. She's turned into this wonderful little person with an awesome personality. She's smart, funny, and incredibly generous. I feel so lucky. None of those qualities are something you can really cultivate, they are either there or not. You can definitely encourage them, but they can't be forced. And she's got them all in that wonderful little soul of hers. I was so proud of the review the teacher gave her, not so much because it reflects on me (it does a little, I admit that) but because I feel so blessed to be her mother. She's going to grow up to do wonderful things and she's going to put a lot of good out in the world and I'm humbled and excited that I'm going to get to be a small part of what she creates. Some days I want to freeze her at 7, to preserve her in all her freckled, wide-eyed wonder. It's such an amazing age. But there are other days where I can't wait to see what she does next. I know she'll never cease to amaze me.
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